They can happen to any of us. Deadline is looming, text is needed and there are a dozen other things to do, so we hit ‘send’ without thinking about how our words may be received. No one notices the boo-boos until the final product is printed and distributed … and by then it’s too late. The following (allegedly) appeared in church bulletins over the years:
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied: ‘The preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.’
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, ‘When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’
Artie said: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’
Eugene commented: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’
Al said: ‘I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson: “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait’.”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said: “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in Montreal. St. Peter looks through his book, gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas MacDonald, and that he was a Presbyterian minister in Ottawa. St. Peter looks in his book, gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven.
Pastor MacDonald says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Clergyman and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Pastor MacDonald preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed.
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” said his mom.
“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go, He shows up!”